Becoming parents part 2/ Being a NICU mom

When we started telling friends that Atticus was in the NICU, a friend, I'm assuming in efforts to make a well-intended joke, said, "On the bright side, in one year, you'll be able to tell people that you are a superior mother because you had a NICU baby." It hurt and still kind of does. Like I said, I'm sure this friend meant no harm, but 11 days into this, I wish I could be a regular, average, "less superior" mother. I just want my little boy home with me. I want to stop crying when we leave the hospital each day and have to tell our son good bye.

At first the issue was that Atticus' pancreas was producing too much insulin and he was hypoglycemic. It took 4 days for them to get it regular and another 3 to have it stable enough that they didn't have to test his blood sugars daily. The only thing holding Atticus back at this point is that he does not eat. I never thought those words would be said about anyone in my family. Justin's child? Maybe, but even then, Justin eats when he's hungry. When they had Atticus hooked up to an IV they also had to put him on a feeding tube. Apparently this is common with hypoglycemic babies from mothers with gestational diabetes; they are lethargic and don't eat. In order to keep his intake to where it needed to be in order to get his blood sugars where they needed to be, they had to make sure Atticus was eating regularly. But because he was spitting up the food they gave him, they put in a feeding tube which helped since he no longer spits up. They started bottle feeding him formula since my milk production wasn't up to where it needed to be. He was very lackadaisical with his eating and would only finish part of the bottle. Because they want him to eat the full 2oz within thirty minutes, if he doesn't finish it, they put the rest through the feeding tube. It's been this way for the past few days and they've cut down the attempts of him bottle feeding from 4 of his feedings each day to 3 since he has not been able to finish any of the bottles within the allotted time.

Since Tuesday I've been going for several hours during the day while Justin is in class. Because I am hoping to breastfeed, I go before his bottle feeding at 9am in hopes that he'll latch on and try nursing. I figure if he is still learning to eat I haven't lost the opportunity to try and get him to latch, right? Besides, I abhor pumping and would love to not have to do it as much once he gets home. Over the last couple of days he has gone from crying when I try to holding it in his mouth while he fell asleep, to actually trying to nurse this morning. It was great. I just hope he does it more as time goes by. It is tempting to throw in the towel (and the pump) and switch to formula since my production is not meeting his daily requirements and it would be great to be able to sleep through the night while he's not here, but I always envisioned myself as a mom who breastfed.

Yesterday was a breakthrough day because Atticus was actually alert and showing rooting reflexes just before his feeding time. Luckily since it was Friday and Justin had no classes and hasn't returned to work yet, he was there the whole day with me and was able to enjoy Atticus's awake times. After a little while the boy would get tired and we'd hold him on our chests while he slept, but those moments of being awake and eating a little of his bottle were very rewarding for us.

Today was pretty similar to yesterday. Atticus was asleep when we got there but I unswaddled him and held him on my chest in the effort to get him comfortable there and to get him to wake up some. He did and eventually latched for about five minutes. He didn't care to swap sides so I just held him until the nurse got the formula (usually a feeding or two each day is formula since I am not yet producing enough for his needs) and Justin fed him. I'll admit, I'm intimidated for when we come home if Atticus isn't completely breastfeeding. Justin is a pro at feeding him (among his many other skills). Part of Atticus' problem is that he still spits up, so he needs to be burped and often. I am a wimp when it comes to burping my child whereas Justin knows the little tricks already. I just hope I can get decent at it so my child doesn't end up worse off when he comes home.

Towards the end of the day we were waiting for a nurse to bring us some more bottles and labels for the pumped milk we bring each day; we've gone through the supplies they'd given us when we left and then some. While we were waiting another nurse in Atticus's area was calling hospital maintenance folks to say a baby (I'm guessing the one who was born on Sunday and whose dad left with us on Sunday night) will be going home and that his parents would be staying overnight. With NICU babies, the hospital has the parents stay the night before while they're monitored in case anything goes wrong or if the parents need anything. It hurt to hear the phone call. Here was a premature baby who suffered fetal distress during delivery and he was going home before Atticus. I cried. I cry a lot these days. I blame part of it on hormones, naturally, but I know exhaustion, frustration, confusion, and a whole wide range of feelings come into play.

I just want my baby home. My mom has told me multiple times that I need to sing to Atticus since he knows my voice. But I can't. Whenever I try, I cry because it hurts. My body will not let me express joy via music when I am so sad and yearning for my little boy to come home. I tried today. After a few failed attempts at various songs we settled on "I Want to Hold Your Hand" although even then I got choked up too much and had to hum most of it. I realize we are not the worst off though.

On Monday afternoon when we came to visit Atticus we were so excited because we were possibly going to be able to hold him for the second time in his life. By the time we got there it was time for me to pump. So I headed to the lactation room with Justin and we pumped. My bladder still is overactive so once I finished I had to run out of the labor and delivery/NICU area to go use the bathroom without soap (honestly- since the Wednesday we came in to have Atticus that bathroom has not had soap- what the heck?!) . When I got back Justin was standing in the doorway and let me in (you have to be buzzed back to enter). He had our stuff packed and ready in the lactation room. "We need to go. They have to close the NICU." I was so upset we wouldn't get to hold Atticus. "Why not?" He closed the door of the room and said the baby whose bed had been next to Atticus had died. It was an extremely premature baby (he only weighed 1 lb) born to a teen-aged mom. We both cried and prayed for the baby and his family. In my heart I realized how selfish I had been and expressed gratitude to Heavenly Father that my baby was doing so well.

So no, I don't want to be a superior mom. I already know I'm not one. I just want a little boy with big, juicy, kissable cheeks to come spend the night. For the next 18 years.

Becoming parents part 1

I hope you'll forgive me. I try to romanticize writing in a journal with pen and paper. But then I get lazy and stop mid-entry. So I'm going to try here and see if I get things down. While our little boy is in the NICU I hope that this will be a way to feel a little better while we wait for him to be able to come home.

Atticus was an emergency c-section. His heart rate would randomly drop to a quarter of what it should be and over the 7 hours of monitoring it was increasing in frequency and intensity. Instead of inducing me like she planned earlier in the day, my doctor decided Atticus' heart wouldn't fare well with contractions much less labor in general, so an emergency c-section was scheduled. I was a little worried. I wanted to have a natural birth without an epidural like I had dreamed of. I wanted to feel when my baby was born. I didn't want to have scars and suffer through the healing process while taking care of a newborn. But I think Justin was more worried than I was about the c-section. We had no option though and went ahead with it. I was amazed at how calm I remained. The previous week Justin would keep asking, "Are you feeling any different?" in hopes that labor was coming on and we could meet our little boy. I never did, I simply I kept scrubbing the house and trying to prep the baby's room. Now he was coming and despite being scared, I was finally excited. The surgery was performed and it turns out Atticus' cord was coming before he was and that it was cutting things off. Labor would have definitely been bad. I still brag to myself that I have never felt real contractions or gone through labor.

Despite wanting to stay with me while I was stitched up, I pushed Justin out of the room and told him I was okay, but that he needed to go be friends with our new boy since he didn't have any other friends yet. Justin reluctantly went but said he fell in love once Atticus took his finger in his hand. A few hours later at 1am we were wheeled to my recovery room. I wanted to see the baby and feel him since I had only gotten to kiss his cheek in the OR. But the nursery never came. Finally after calling, at 3am a nurse came in to inform us that Atticus was being sent to the NICU because he was severely hypoglycemic. We wouldn't be able to see him tonight and should just get some rest. We cried as she left and eventually fell asleep wondering what everything meant. The next day Justin wheeled me to the NICU where we learned that his sugar levels we so low they were unreadable. If it stayed like this for very long there were major complications that could arise including seizures and brain damage. They would need to keep him in the NICU until things leveled and his sugars were stable. The next few days went by like a blur. I was able to walk relatively well by day 2. The lactation consultant wheeled in my breast pump and we began pumping around the clock in hopes we could get something for Atticus to help him. But it was slow progress. They had to put an IV in through his umbilical cord because the fluids were so caustic they would cause soft tissue damage if they tried it in a regular IV. Because the IV was in his cord we couldn't hold him. Few things were as painful as realizing you can't hold the baby you dreamt about for so long because it could cause damage to one of the things helping keep him safe. Finally, on Thursday night, the day after he was born, we got to hold Atticus. It was amazing. Holding him was absolute bliss. we attempted breastfeeding, but that wasn't happening. No problem; we got to hold him.

My doctor, understanding the situation with Atticus, told the hospital to let me stay as long as they could let me, which was Sunday. I didn't mind although I know I was much more mobile than they had imagined I would be. Most times throughout the night Justin would take the little amount of milk I had expressed and walk across the 2nd floor to the NICU. He'd give Atticus a kiss and walk back. A few times I would try not to wake him and do it myself, despite his protests when he'd realize what I'd done. But I hadn't felt like a mom yet; just an adult worrying about a little boy who was hooked up to a feeding tube because he couldn't eat and his sugars wouldn't stabilize. I hoped that by bringing the milk I could feel like the parent too. When we were discharged we had to wait. They were admitting another NICU baby and we couldn't go in until all was done. When we did go back it was so hard to realize that we were leaving and he would stay. The new NICU patient's dad was in the room as well. His little boy was a preemie. Although Atticus had made progress that day, it was still heart breaking to leave him. But eventually we had to. As we left because visiting hours were over, the new dad left with us. In order to get out of the labor and delivery area, the nurse's station has to let you out. But unless you ask or say thanks beforehand, they'll let you stand there for a while. I walked ahead with the new dad and we stood there for a while until Justin came up from the NICU and said, "Thank you" to the nurses. They unlocked the doors and Justin informed the new dad, "A tip I've learned... You have to say thanks beforehand or else they'll let you stand here." The new dad said thanks and we walked off. All of us leaving our babies behind.