Becoming parents part 1

I hope you'll forgive me. I try to romanticize writing in a journal with pen and paper. But then I get lazy and stop mid-entry. So I'm going to try here and see if I get things down. While our little boy is in the NICU I hope that this will be a way to feel a little better while we wait for him to be able to come home.

Atticus was an emergency c-section. His heart rate would randomly drop to a quarter of what it should be and over the 7 hours of monitoring it was increasing in frequency and intensity. Instead of inducing me like she planned earlier in the day, my doctor decided Atticus' heart wouldn't fare well with contractions much less labor in general, so an emergency c-section was scheduled. I was a little worried. I wanted to have a natural birth without an epidural like I had dreamed of. I wanted to feel when my baby was born. I didn't want to have scars and suffer through the healing process while taking care of a newborn. But I think Justin was more worried than I was about the c-section. We had no option though and went ahead with it. I was amazed at how calm I remained. The previous week Justin would keep asking, "Are you feeling any different?" in hopes that labor was coming on and we could meet our little boy. I never did, I simply I kept scrubbing the house and trying to prep the baby's room. Now he was coming and despite being scared, I was finally excited. The surgery was performed and it turns out Atticus' cord was coming before he was and that it was cutting things off. Labor would have definitely been bad. I still brag to myself that I have never felt real contractions or gone through labor.

Despite wanting to stay with me while I was stitched up, I pushed Justin out of the room and told him I was okay, but that he needed to go be friends with our new boy since he didn't have any other friends yet. Justin reluctantly went but said he fell in love once Atticus took his finger in his hand. A few hours later at 1am we were wheeled to my recovery room. I wanted to see the baby and feel him since I had only gotten to kiss his cheek in the OR. But the nursery never came. Finally after calling, at 3am a nurse came in to inform us that Atticus was being sent to the NICU because he was severely hypoglycemic. We wouldn't be able to see him tonight and should just get some rest. We cried as she left and eventually fell asleep wondering what everything meant. The next day Justin wheeled me to the NICU where we learned that his sugar levels we so low they were unreadable. If it stayed like this for very long there were major complications that could arise including seizures and brain damage. They would need to keep him in the NICU until things leveled and his sugars were stable. The next few days went by like a blur. I was able to walk relatively well by day 2. The lactation consultant wheeled in my breast pump and we began pumping around the clock in hopes we could get something for Atticus to help him. But it was slow progress. They had to put an IV in through his umbilical cord because the fluids were so caustic they would cause soft tissue damage if they tried it in a regular IV. Because the IV was in his cord we couldn't hold him. Few things were as painful as realizing you can't hold the baby you dreamt about for so long because it could cause damage to one of the things helping keep him safe. Finally, on Thursday night, the day after he was born, we got to hold Atticus. It was amazing. Holding him was absolute bliss. we attempted breastfeeding, but that wasn't happening. No problem; we got to hold him.

My doctor, understanding the situation with Atticus, told the hospital to let me stay as long as they could let me, which was Sunday. I didn't mind although I know I was much more mobile than they had imagined I would be. Most times throughout the night Justin would take the little amount of milk I had expressed and walk across the 2nd floor to the NICU. He'd give Atticus a kiss and walk back. A few times I would try not to wake him and do it myself, despite his protests when he'd realize what I'd done. But I hadn't felt like a mom yet; just an adult worrying about a little boy who was hooked up to a feeding tube because he couldn't eat and his sugars wouldn't stabilize. I hoped that by bringing the milk I could feel like the parent too. When we were discharged we had to wait. They were admitting another NICU baby and we couldn't go in until all was done. When we did go back it was so hard to realize that we were leaving and he would stay. The new NICU patient's dad was in the room as well. His little boy was a preemie. Although Atticus had made progress that day, it was still heart breaking to leave him. But eventually we had to. As we left because visiting hours were over, the new dad left with us. In order to get out of the labor and delivery area, the nurse's station has to let you out. But unless you ask or say thanks beforehand, they'll let you stand there for a while. I walked ahead with the new dad and we stood there for a while until Justin came up from the NICU and said, "Thank you" to the nurses. They unlocked the doors and Justin informed the new dad, "A tip I've learned... You have to say thanks beforehand or else they'll let you stand here." The new dad said thanks and we walked off. All of us leaving our babies behind.