Becoming parents part 2/ Being a NICU mom

When we started telling friends that Atticus was in the NICU, a friend, I'm assuming in efforts to make a well-intended joke, said, "On the bright side, in one year, you'll be able to tell people that you are a superior mother because you had a NICU baby." It hurt and still kind of does. Like I said, I'm sure this friend meant no harm, but 11 days into this, I wish I could be a regular, average, "less superior" mother. I just want my little boy home with me. I want to stop crying when we leave the hospital each day and have to tell our son good bye.

At first the issue was that Atticus' pancreas was producing too much insulin and he was hypoglycemic. It took 4 days for them to get it regular and another 3 to have it stable enough that they didn't have to test his blood sugars daily. The only thing holding Atticus back at this point is that he does not eat. I never thought those words would be said about anyone in my family. Justin's child? Maybe, but even then, Justin eats when he's hungry. When they had Atticus hooked up to an IV they also had to put him on a feeding tube. Apparently this is common with hypoglycemic babies from mothers with gestational diabetes; they are lethargic and don't eat. In order to keep his intake to where it needed to be in order to get his blood sugars where they needed to be, they had to make sure Atticus was eating regularly. But because he was spitting up the food they gave him, they put in a feeding tube which helped since he no longer spits up. They started bottle feeding him formula since my milk production wasn't up to where it needed to be. He was very lackadaisical with his eating and would only finish part of the bottle. Because they want him to eat the full 2oz within thirty minutes, if he doesn't finish it, they put the rest through the feeding tube. It's been this way for the past few days and they've cut down the attempts of him bottle feeding from 4 of his feedings each day to 3 since he has not been able to finish any of the bottles within the allotted time.

Since Tuesday I've been going for several hours during the day while Justin is in class. Because I am hoping to breastfeed, I go before his bottle feeding at 9am in hopes that he'll latch on and try nursing. I figure if he is still learning to eat I haven't lost the opportunity to try and get him to latch, right? Besides, I abhor pumping and would love to not have to do it as much once he gets home. Over the last couple of days he has gone from crying when I try to holding it in his mouth while he fell asleep, to actually trying to nurse this morning. It was great. I just hope he does it more as time goes by. It is tempting to throw in the towel (and the pump) and switch to formula since my production is not meeting his daily requirements and it would be great to be able to sleep through the night while he's not here, but I always envisioned myself as a mom who breastfed.

Yesterday was a breakthrough day because Atticus was actually alert and showing rooting reflexes just before his feeding time. Luckily since it was Friday and Justin had no classes and hasn't returned to work yet, he was there the whole day with me and was able to enjoy Atticus's awake times. After a little while the boy would get tired and we'd hold him on our chests while he slept, but those moments of being awake and eating a little of his bottle were very rewarding for us.

Today was pretty similar to yesterday. Atticus was asleep when we got there but I unswaddled him and held him on my chest in the effort to get him comfortable there and to get him to wake up some. He did and eventually latched for about five minutes. He didn't care to swap sides so I just held him until the nurse got the formula (usually a feeding or two each day is formula since I am not yet producing enough for his needs) and Justin fed him. I'll admit, I'm intimidated for when we come home if Atticus isn't completely breastfeeding. Justin is a pro at feeding him (among his many other skills). Part of Atticus' problem is that he still spits up, so he needs to be burped and often. I am a wimp when it comes to burping my child whereas Justin knows the little tricks already. I just hope I can get decent at it so my child doesn't end up worse off when he comes home.

Towards the end of the day we were waiting for a nurse to bring us some more bottles and labels for the pumped milk we bring each day; we've gone through the supplies they'd given us when we left and then some. While we were waiting another nurse in Atticus's area was calling hospital maintenance folks to say a baby (I'm guessing the one who was born on Sunday and whose dad left with us on Sunday night) will be going home and that his parents would be staying overnight. With NICU babies, the hospital has the parents stay the night before while they're monitored in case anything goes wrong or if the parents need anything. It hurt to hear the phone call. Here was a premature baby who suffered fetal distress during delivery and he was going home before Atticus. I cried. I cry a lot these days. I blame part of it on hormones, naturally, but I know exhaustion, frustration, confusion, and a whole wide range of feelings come into play.

I just want my baby home. My mom has told me multiple times that I need to sing to Atticus since he knows my voice. But I can't. Whenever I try, I cry because it hurts. My body will not let me express joy via music when I am so sad and yearning for my little boy to come home. I tried today. After a few failed attempts at various songs we settled on "I Want to Hold Your Hand" although even then I got choked up too much and had to hum most of it. I realize we are not the worst off though.

On Monday afternoon when we came to visit Atticus we were so excited because we were possibly going to be able to hold him for the second time in his life. By the time we got there it was time for me to pump. So I headed to the lactation room with Justin and we pumped. My bladder still is overactive so once I finished I had to run out of the labor and delivery/NICU area to go use the bathroom without soap (honestly- since the Wednesday we came in to have Atticus that bathroom has not had soap- what the heck?!) . When I got back Justin was standing in the doorway and let me in (you have to be buzzed back to enter). He had our stuff packed and ready in the lactation room. "We need to go. They have to close the NICU." I was so upset we wouldn't get to hold Atticus. "Why not?" He closed the door of the room and said the baby whose bed had been next to Atticus had died. It was an extremely premature baby (he only weighed 1 lb) born to a teen-aged mom. We both cried and prayed for the baby and his family. In my heart I realized how selfish I had been and expressed gratitude to Heavenly Father that my baby was doing so well.

So no, I don't want to be a superior mom. I already know I'm not one. I just want a little boy with big, juicy, kissable cheeks to come spend the night. For the next 18 years.