Emotional Roller Coaster

I knew hormones went crazy after having a baby, I just never realized how much.

We brought Atticus home on Saturday, March 2. I should have been excited and happy. But it didn't turn out that way. Instead I had a panic attack that night after my family stopped by for a quick visit. Justin was going to be heading to church the next day so the bishop wouldn't be alone on the stand and I would be home with the baby. All day.

The rest of the week was one long panic attack. I tried to feel differently. But every evening when Justin came home I would pass the baby to him and try to escape mentally. Justin also handled overnight without me because the sound of my own baby crying made my skin crawl. I was anxious all the time and couldn't figure out why. I looked online and realized I had many of the symptoms of postpartum anxiety. I wasn't depressed. But anxious. To add to it, I slept whenever the baby slept, like so many people advised me to do at my baby showers, and by the end of the week was suffering from insomnia at night and a vicious headache.

On Friday I decided to call m OB. She wasn't in, but an assistant quickly asked if I was suffering from the baby blues still and sent off a prescription. I should have spoken up, but I didn't. Justin brought my medicine home that afternoon and I took it. Within half an hour the side effects started taking over. It was not pretty. The mildest effect I suffered was feeling more anxious; as though I was literally trying to crawl out of my skin. I won't share the worse ones. We tried calling the doctor, but no one answered. Not even an answering machine.

The next day my in-laws came to visit and while I still felt a bit uneasy and was dealing with side-effects, I was also dealing with a vicious migraine whenever I stood. It continued until we finally got in touch with someone Sunday night and they told us to go to the ER ASAP. The ER ran tests, gave me medicine, and for the first time that weekend I was able to sleep. I still have remnants of the headache, but it is much less vicious.

On Saturday morning I spoke with two of my brothers who bolstered me with words of love and compassion. Saturday afternoon my mom came to visit and she and my mother-in-law continued. Instead of medicine I decided I would first go to the Lord and then, once I tried that, turn to medicine. I was afraid of the latter route. Sunday my mother-in-law stayed home from church with me and showed me how gentle and easy of a baby Atticus is. He is incredibly tame and sweet. Why was I so worried? But I was still worried. Yesterday morning Justin stayed home from work to let me sleep a little since the headache hadn't gone away entirely and since I was still anxious about being alone with the baby. But he eventually had to go to class since he had missed so many days. I was alone with the baby.

While feeding him I decided to try and look up an Ensign article my mom suggested from this month's Ensign. I thought I had found the one she recommended, but instead I found something even better for me to read. It's called "The Enabling Power of the Atonement" I didn't finish it. In the beginning the author repeated something my mom had said the day before, "Throw your burdens at the Lord's feet." So right there, while feeding Atticus his bottle I did that. I said a simple prayer asking Heavenly Father to help remove my fears and anxiety. I had wanted this baby for so long. Why was Satan getting in the way? Instantly I felt a weight come off of my shoulders. I began looking at my baby without fear, but with intrigue and a hint of love. I began to feel a bond with this little person who mere weeks ago was kicking around inside of me.

Later, for family home evening (which we've always been horrible at doing, but I felt like throwing out to Justin since I started feeling normal again) we read the article entirely. I realized that my largest spiritual impediment is not using the enabling power of the Atonement; of not letting the full scope of the Atonement strengthen me. I was simply relying on it to help me with my sins. The enabling power of the Atonement has saved me from my worst fear of myself. I know it was nothing I had done personally to cause my anxiety; I now know that these things are purely chemical. But it was empowering to be able to use the Atonement to help me overcome this. It was empowering to know that the Atonement could be applied to this situation, just like one of my brother's said Saturday morning, and help me overcome my trial. I'm not saying this will be the solution for everyone. There are those whose struggles are longer and harder than anything I could imagine. But for that week while I struggled and felt like I was in a hole, I tried to lean on myself and medicine only, as opposed to bringing my struggles before the Lord who could then help me know how to help myself.


Are things perfect? No. I still dread what I will find when I change Atticus's diaper. Plus I completely slept through the night and made Justin handle night duty on his own last night. But all joking aside, things are getting better. I know that the Atonement not only covers my sins, but also can enable me with power from on high when I am to weak on my own.


Also, here are some photos for those who may be interested.

Heading into the hospital the day Atticus was born

The full scope of my belly at 38weeks 3days pregnant

I forgot to rotate this. This is Justin dressed up in his surgery gear.

Ready to have a baby... Or as ready as I'll ever be.

Last moments being childless

"Oh man! Already with the prints?! I swear when I said I had been on the 'inside' I didn't mean it like that!"

Meeting the boy

Hanging out this afternoon

Who trusted me with a baby?!

Hanging out in the bouncer. One of his favorite spots in the house.